Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

More Gilbert and Sullivan--this time for the President

When the GOP's not causing unemployment (unemployment)
And trying to drown the baby in the tub (in the tub)
On the golf course Speaker Boehner gives enjoyment (gives enjoyment)
Though he thinks that I should carry 'round his clubs (round his clubs)

Our feelings we with difficulty smother (-culty smother)
When polliticary duty's to be done (to be done)
Ah take one consideration with another (with another)
A president's lot is not a happy one.

Ahhh, when politicary duty's to be done, to be done,
A president's lot is not a happy one.

When the press corps is not rummaging through my laundry (through my laundry)
And seeking soiled linens I may got (I may got)
At parties they're quite charming, what a quandry (what a quandry)
Holding forth on Edmund Burke and Oakeshott (Oakeshott)

When the banker's finished robbing your grandmother (your grandmother) He loves to see the Yankees score a run (score a run)
Ah, take one consideration with another (with another)
A president's lot is not a happy one.

Ahhh, when politicary duty's to be done, to be done,
A president's lot is not a happy one.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow renounces Christianity

Denver, CO.  A day after his Denver Broncos were defeated 41-23 at Sports Authority Field in Denver, starting quarterback Tim Tebow, long known for his frequent sideline prayers, announced that he was renouncing Christianity.  "I'm done with Him", a dejected Tebow told a Denver sports columnist during a locker-room interview at the Bronco's practice facility.  "Everything that I've done was for the Lord, and how does He repay me?  He sends His angels to speed the feet of the gosh darn, excuse me, Patriots' linebackers, and I spent half the afternoon on my back.  No more!" 

"I feel like Salieri, do you know what I mean?"  Tebow stated, referring to the Austrian classical composer who was a contemporary and rival of Mozart.  Impersonating F. Murray Abraham's Oscar-winning portrayal of the jealous court composer, Tebow continued:  "From now on we are enemies, You and I. Because You choose for Your instrument a boastful, lustful, smutty, infantile boy--yeah, I'm talking about Brady--and give me for reward only the ability to recognize the incarnation. Because You are unjust, unfair, unkind, I will block You, I swear it. I will hinder and harm Your creature on earth as far as I am able."

"But it's not just Brady" sniffed the former collegiate star for the Florida Gators.  "It's Favre.  It's McMahon.  It's Namath.  Football is the greatest sport that the Heavenly Father invented, but who does He choose to be its heroes?  Womanizers.  Drunks.  Partiers.  My brother Aaron Rodgers is far too humble to tell you this, but despite leading the Packers to a 13-1 record, all he hears anywhere in the whole state of Wisconsin is Brett this, Brett that.  I mean, Brett Favre went and played a season for the Minnesota Vikings.  Lucifer's team.  Aaron is a good man, and this is how the Lord treats him?"

"I'm done with God."

Immediately after the interview, Tebow reportedly sacrificed a small goat in the locker room's Jacuzzi.  While team officials refused to comment on the incident, Tebow was suspended for Saturday's game against the Buffalo Bills for an unspecified violation of team rules.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Bruce Springsteen classic updated for the Youtube era

I bought a bourgeois loft down in the Pearl
Put it on my credit card, with my girl
Man came by to hook up my ISP
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We surfed 'round the Youtube ’til half-past down
Fifty-seven million channels and nothin’ on

Well now portable media was my baby’s desire
So I one-clicked on Amazon for a Kindle Fire
A big brown truck came with a little brown box
Punched in the wifi password and we started to watch
404 came back from the great beyond
Fifty-seven million channnels and nothin’ on

Well we might’ a made some friends with the one percent
Be stayin' in nice hotels instead of sleepin' in a tent.
All I got was a note that said "Bye-bye Juan
Our love's fifty-seven million channels and nothin’ on"

So I bought a brand new Taser down at the local Fry's
And in the blessed name of Springsteen I just let it fly.
’Til my computer lay smoking there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbin’ the almighty peace
Judge said "What you got in your defense son ?"
"Fifty-seven million channels and nothin’ on"
I can see by your eyes friend you’re just about gone
Fifty-seven million channels and nothin’ on
Fifty-seven million channels and nothin’...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Charlie and the MAX

Since fares are going up again  September 1, and in honor of Neal McFarlane officially taking over the helm of TriMet--it's time to recycle a little ditty posted to portlandtransport.com last year--updated (and up-spiced) to take recent events into account, and to better reflect (ahem) the local culture.  It's a satire of the infamous folk standard "M. T. A.", transplanted to the Portland area.  The song, originally written as a campaign tune for a left-wing Boston mayoral candidate, later became a big hit in 1959 for the Kingston Trio.  The band changed the name of the candidate in their version to avoid the appearance of endorsing a socialist politician, a big deal in the Red Scare area (even for a folk act).  Nowadays, the fare card used by the MBTA (as Boston's transit agency is now known) is called "CharlieCard" in honor of the tune.

The Portland version takes a bit of artistic license:  MAX uses of proof-of-payment rather than fare gates, and a zone system rather than any sort of exit fare collection.  And I doubt that bojack will be running for mayor, though the fireworks in City Hall were that to occur would be spectacular.  [Image courtesy of the Kinsgton Trio].

But anyhoo, here goes:

Let me tell you the story of a man named Charlie
And how he slipped through the city's cracks
He put two thirty in his pocket, kissed his live-in-lover
Went to ride on the Tri-Met MAX
Charlie bought himself a ticket at the Gateway Transit Center
And he changed at Pioneer Square
When he got there the inspector told him "one more nickel"
Charlie could not pay that fare!
And did he ever return, no he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned
He's doomed to ride forever on the rails of Portland
He's the man who never returned
Now all night long Charlie rides through the station
Thinking "What will become of me?"
"How can I afford to see my dealer in Gresham?
Or my bookie in Milwaukie?"
Charlie's girl goes down to the Rose Quarter station
Every day at quarter past two
And through the open window, she hands him a latte
As the train comes a-crawlin' through
Now commuters of Portland, isn't a scandal,
That the people have to pay the tax?
Fight the fare increase, vote for Jack Bogdanski
Help get Charlie off the Tri-Met MAX!
Or else he'll never return, no he'll never return
And his fate will be unlearned
He's doomed to ride forever on the rails of Portland
He's the man who never returned!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Real Truth About President Obama

Much attention has been given in the media to the so-called "birther" movement, who allege--for various reasons, many of the contradictory, many others contrary to established law--that President Obama isn't eligible to be President, due to alleged foreign birth or other supposed defects on his citizenship pedigree.

A few on the political right wing of the US take this stuff seriously (as does a significant fraction of the US public, though far from a majority)--most of the rest of us though consider it whacky.  (And racist to boot).  And I suspect that rather than be offended by some of the more ridiculous (and transparently bigoted) notions peddled by World Nut Daily and other birther publications, President Obama actually enjoys all of this--it makes the opposition (even those who consider birther conspiracies to be nonsense) look like fools.

Plus, the birther conspiracies obscure The Truth.

(Cue timpanist:  Dum-Dum-Dummmmm!)

[Louder, Maestro.]

(DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMM!)

[Thank you.]

You see, ladies and gentlemen--and please read this quickly before my computer is vaporized, all electronic records of my existence are deleted, and all memory of me is erased from the brain cells of everyone I ever met--the birthers, in truth, have a point.

Except President Obama wasn't born in Africa.  No, he was instead born in--Alpha Centauri.

That's right--the President is an Extra-Terrestrial.
And no, not this kind:


THIS kind:
All won't be revealed, of course, until November 2012.  Here's how it will go down:

Late in the evening of November 6, 2012; after the polls close on the West Coast and all the networks call the election for GOP nominee Sarah Palin (you thought it would be someone else?), Obama will stand in front of the cameras in the Oval Office for his concession speech.  Only he won't concede--at that time, he will unzip his human suit, reveal his True Reptilian Form, and announce the imminent destruction of our puny planet.  There won't be any Will Smith or Tom Cruise or Steven Spielberg (did I just say that) or friendly harmless-to-us-but-deadly-to-aliens bacteria or Slim Whitman music to save us from doom--we'll be toast.  The Mayans will have gotten the date right; just not the means.

And poor Sarah Palin--elected to assist God in bringing about the Apocalypse (as if He needs any help), her fingers only inches (and eleven weeks) away from The Button--won't get the chance.  In the darkest and deepest possible of ironies, her dreams of a starring role in the End of the World will be swept aside by a giant green lizard from outer space.

Now you know.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Greece files for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Protection.

New York City -- The Hellenic Republic, more commonly known by the trade name Greece (UN-GRE), yesterday filed for protection under Chapter Eleven of the United States Bankruptcy Court.  The filing, with the bankruptcy court for the Southern District of New York, came after rampant speculation about the nation's future, after a banking scandal plunged the millenia-old civilization deep into debt.  In a prepared statement, Greek prime minister and chairman George Papandreou stated that while Greece "regrets this course of action, it was necessary to protect the interests of our citizens, employees, and creditors".  Papandreou expected that Greece would ultimately survive the bankruptcy proceedings, and that today's filing would allow the country to "focus on our core business".

Jurisdictional questions

While the filing itself was not unexpected, the choice of venue was a surprise.  As an ancient civilization headquartered in Europe, many analysts doubt whether the US Bankruptcy courts have jurisdiction over Greece.  However, attorneys for the Mediterranean republic note that Greece is a member of the United Nations, and claim that the UN's physical presence in Manhattan gives the District Court for southern New York proper jurisdiction over the bankruptcy.

Assuming the jurisdictional questions can be resolved, many analysts hail the filing as a brilliant tactical maneuver.  Gerhard Brandt, an analyst with Deutsche Bank, notes that were Greece to find itself in bankruptcy court in Europe, it likely would be liquidated in short order--but US bankruptcy courts have a reputation for being much friendlier to debtors.  "If they want, the Greeks can drag this on for years."  Brandt speculated that some creditors might be willing to settle for a fraction of what they are owed, to keep the bankruptcy estate from being consumed by legal fees.

Creditors, however, were outraged, and planned to ask for the dismissal of the case at the earliest opportunity.  "This is [expletive]", said one creditor who spoke on condition of anonymity.  "They run up debts, they party like mad, toga, toga, toga, and then they run to the Americans when it is time to face the music".  A spokesman for another creditor doubted that the Greeks' maneuver would work.  "Just because the UN is in New York--so what?"

A checkered past

Greece, by far the oldest continuous civilization in Europe, and one of the oldest in the world, has had a checkered past.  Founded nearly three thousand years ago, ancient Greece is considered the birthplace of many modern innovations, including democracy, mathematics, and philosopy.  However, much corporate infighting over the centuries, including a devastating battle between the company's headquarters in Athens and its Trojan operations--reportedly over a woman--robbed ancient Greece of much of its strength and vitality.  And after a hostile takeover by bitter rival Rome, Greece ceased to be an independent concern for over two thousand years.  After Rome's liquidation, the assets of Greece were owned by numerous other concerns, including the Byzantine and Ottoman Empires.  Modern Greece did not arise until an IPO in 1830.

Many analysts believed that Greece, which had suffered from fierce competition throughout much of the twentieth century, had been starting to come around.  The International Olympic Committee (UN:IOC)--a successful spinoff of Greece--has become an economic and cultural powerhouse; though Greece nowadays holds little equity in the concern.  Greece's hosting of the 2004 Summer Games was widely hailed as a success--however it is now widely believed that the infrastructure buildout needed to successfully bid for the Games contributed to yesterday's bankruptcy filing.  Noted one observer, "putting on the Olympics is expensive.  While it can be profitable, it's a highly risky proposition for anyone without a healthy balance sheet".

An aggressive strategy?

In the bankruptcy filing, lawyers for Greece listed numerous assets which might offset the country's crushing debt.  Some of the assets were expected, including kilometres of sunny Mediterranean beaches, numerous historical relics, hectares of olive groves, and the right to march first at the Olympic opening ceremonies.  But others--such as intellectual property claims concerning things such as the Greek alphabet, democracy, and trademark rights around Greek place names--surprised analysts, who note that these things had long been considered to be in the public domain.  "Claims to own mathematics are outrageous" said one IP lawyer consulted for this report.  However, another attorney noted that the prospect of collecting royalties from anyone who uses phrases such as "alpha male" or "Trojan horse", was too lucrative to pass up.  "They're in bankruptcy.  What else are they going to do?"  The attorney noted that many potential defendants might be willing to enter into licensing agreements simply to avoid the risk and expense of being sued. 

In-house counsel for Church and Dwight Corporation (NYSE:CHD), the makers of Trojan-branded condoms, seemed unconcerned with the filing.  "We have been using the mark for decades", he said.  "As far as we are concerned, any rights the Greeks might have had to the name 'Trojan' were abandoned years ago".  He promised that Church and Dwight would "vigorously" defend itself in court if necessary.

The bankruptcy filing might bring to a close one other longstanding dispute.  Greece, which claims the rights to the name "Macedonia", has had an ongoing trademark battle with the Republic of Macedonia (UN:MKD) over the right to use the name.  Should Greece not survive the bankruptcy proceeding, many experts believe that the Republic, a former subsidiary of the now-defunct Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, would become the sole user of the mark.  When asked about the prospect of bidding on the name should it be auctioned off by the Court, Macedonian chairman Nikola Gruevski angrily stated that "we will not pay one single Euro for what is rightfully ours".

Greece's future

When asked for opinions as to whether or not Greece would survive the bankruptcy, analysts were mixed.  HSBC's Lloyd Johnston was bearish on Greece's future, expecting the country to be liquidated, and its assets to be purchased by rivals such as Italy and Turkey.  Frank Simpson, with Bank of America, stated that "they've had their run.  No pun intended, but they're a grease spot".  However, other experts were cautiously upbeat.  Jean-Paul Duquette, with the Bank of Montreal, praised the Greeks for their legendary resiliency.  "You don't survive for three thousand years if you are not resourceful", he said.  "Great powers and great civilizations may come and go.  But if you were to ask me if Greece were still around in another three thousand years, I would have to say yes".