Showing posts with label snark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snark. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

More Gilbert and Sullivan--this time for the President

When the GOP's not causing unemployment (unemployment)
And trying to drown the baby in the tub (in the tub)
On the golf course Speaker Boehner gives enjoyment (gives enjoyment)
Though he thinks that I should carry 'round his clubs (round his clubs)

Our feelings we with difficulty smother (-culty smother)
When polliticary duty's to be done (to be done)
Ah take one consideration with another (with another)
A president's lot is not a happy one.

Ahhh, when politicary duty's to be done, to be done,
A president's lot is not a happy one.

When the press corps is not rummaging through my laundry (through my laundry)
And seeking soiled linens I may got (I may got)
At parties they're quite charming, what a quandry (what a quandry)
Holding forth on Edmund Burke and Oakeshott (Oakeshott)

When the banker's finished robbing your grandmother (your grandmother) He loves to see the Yankees score a run (score a run)
Ah, take one consideration with another (with another)
A president's lot is not a happy one.

Ahhh, when politicary duty's to be done, to be done,
A president's lot is not a happy one.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Honest politician refuses to kiss ugly baby

Sabine Parish, LA (AP)

A candidate for the Louisiana House of Representatives caused a minor stir today when he refused to kiss a baby offered by a supporter at a political rally, saying that the child was too ugly.

Edwin G. Beauregard III, a Republican running for the legislature's seventh district who has developed a widespread representation among constituents for honesty, was gladhanding supporters in the town of Many when Blanche Johnson, a local housewife, handed him her 4 month-old son Bo Jr, for the traditional political ritual of receiving a kiss from the candidate.  Beauregard astonished the crowd when he took one look at the child, audibly shouted "My Lord", and handed the infant back to his shocked mother.  Visibly shaken, the rally was ended soon after, and the candidate canceled the remaining events on his schedule that day.

Asked about the event at a press conference the next day, Mr. Beauregard told an assembled group of reporters that "I'm sorry, folks, but I jes' cannot tell a lie.  Dat dar baby was uglier'n an alligator.  Now I done grew up in da bayou, and I seen lots of gators in my time--done killed a bunch of'm, too.  While de chil' wasn't uglier dan de ugliest gator I ever saw, he was definitely uglier dan de prettiest one.  I'm sorry if I offended da lady--she seems like a nice woman an' all, but I nearly fainted right dere on de spot when I saw what was inside dat cute lil' outfit.  Dis may cos' me de election dis November, but Lord al-mighty, dat kid was ug-LY!"

When reached for comment, Mrs. Johnson surprisingly defended the candidate, indicating that she still plans to vote for Mr. Beauregard.  "I know that little Bo. Jr ain't 'xactly the cutest thing in the world.  He kinda looks like his father, if y'all wanna know the truth.  But he's a gift from th' Lord, and pretty or not, he's our son and we love him with all our hearts.  I feel bless'd to have him, jes' like I feel bless'd to have an honest politician like Ed Beauregard runnin' for th' Legislature."

Mr. Beauregard's opponent, the Democratic incumbent Jefferson Babineaux, blasted the Republican, calling it an outrage that he would treat a child so cruelly.  "It's one thing t' lie 'bout your background, or what you plan to do when you get 'lected to office.  But to tell a poor woman that her child is ugly?  That has t'be the mos' despicable thing I ever heard of--and tell yew what, I heard a lot down in Baton Rouge, and I heard a lot more durin' my time at Angola."  Mr. Babineaux, who's current term in office has been marked by scandal, previously served time in the Louisiana State Penitentiary for corruption after a bribery conviction related to a prior stint in the state Senate.  He has steadfastly proclaimed his innocence in the scandal to this day, and despite the conviction and jail sentence, won election to the Legislature in 2008.

A spokesman for Mr. Beauregard's campaign indicated that the candidate would not change how he conducts political events in the future.  "Mr. Beauregard has been in politics for over twenty years.  This is the first time, that I can recall, that he has encountered a baby that was too ugly to kiss.  State has a better chance of losin' a football game to Vanderbilt than this does of ever happenin' again."

Thursday, June 28, 2012

The health-care play by play I'd love to hear

If politics is football, here's the play-by-play I'd love to here.

"What a ballgame, folks!  We've had several lead changes in the fourth quarter, and now the Elephants have just called time.  They have the ball, fourth-and-goal on the Donkeys' three yard line.  Down by five.  Only seconds left on the clock.  They need a touchdown here, or it's all over."

"That's right, Bob.  The Elephants  were leading through most of the first half, when the Donkey's star runningback Kennedy got knocked out of the game.  Just before halftime, it was third-and-long, deep in Donkey territory, and it looked like the lead would hold.  But then coach Obama called a reconciliation play, which caught the Elephant defense COMPLETELY off guard, and the Donkeys were able to score on the final play of the half to take a small lead into the locker room".

"But whatever coach Boehner said to the Elephants in the locker room, it must have worked.  In the second half, the Donkeys haven't been able to move the ball at all against this stout Elephant defense.   While the elephants haven't scored either, they have slowly been moving the chains downfield, and are knocking on the door with seconds to go."

"The Donkey defense looks demoralized.  The elephants have their unstoppable fullback, Roberts on the field.  I was listening into the Elephant huddle, and Coach Boehner was telling his players that there would be no spiking of the ball if they score."

"I tell you what.  If the Elephants win this, it may finally justify all the money they spent on their new quarterback Romney.  Many fans of the team don't like him, mainly because he used to play for New England.  He's had to spend lots of time winning these fans over.  But if he can pull this off, he and the Elephants may just go all the way this year."

"If the Elephants pull this off, we may be looking at a dynasty."

"Back to the action.  The teams are at the line of scrimmage, Romney under center.  Donkey's loaded up to stop the run.  Here's the handoff from Scalia, he gives it to Roberts up the middle...."

"FUMBLE! He fumbled the ball!  There's bedlam on the turf!  OH MY GOD, Ginsburg scooped up it up and is running the other way!  They're not going to catch her!  Fifty!  Forty!  Thirty!  Twenty! Ten...  TOUCHDOWN!  The horn sounds!  And the game is OVER!   It's all over!"

"Incredible.  Can you believe THAT?  On the most important drive of the game, Elephant fullback John Roberts--the man known to football fans 'round the country as the Chief Justice, and the centerpiece of the team's offense--DROPS THE BALL!  And then Ginsburg--the oldest player on the field, she turns EIGHTY next year--outran everybody for a touchdown at the other end!"

"She's pretty spry for someone of her age, you gotta admit!

"Incredible.  Just amazing.  The Donkey's on the sideline just dumped a bucket of Gatorade on Coach Obama's head!  Many of the Elephant's fans are throwing garbage on the turf, and some of them are shouting obscenities at an obviously dejected Roberts.  Scalia and Ginsburg are shoving each other at mid-field.  And look at that--one of the Donkey players, Gaspard, I think it is, is taunting the Elephants on the field.  That would be worth fifteen yards, but the horn's already sounded!"

"Amazing.  We'll be back for the post-game reactions, right after this."

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Presdiential Candidate's Song

Scholars at Oxford have recently discovered, within the archives, the libretto to a previously-unknown Gilbert and Sullivan opera, The Pirates of Finance.  One aria is of particular note, as by utterly strange coincidence, it resembles recent events in United States presidential politics.  Given this relevance to current events, the lyrics to this tune are reproduced in full below.

Near the end of the first act, a group of journalists, in search of cocktail parties at which to booze and schmooze, is accosted by the former Governor-General of one of the lost American colonies.  The aria begins thusly:

Governor:
I am the very model of a Presidential Candidate
I've customized positions tailor-made for each and every state
From Boston to Los Angeles, and Miami to Anchorage
There's no stopping my pandering, although it sometimes nukes the fridge
In Texas I'm a teabagger, in Cleveland I'm a center-ist
All around the country there's no baby that I have not kissed
In lib'rul Massachussets, I'm the father of Obamacare
But please don't tell the GOP, for that they do not really care.

Media:
But please don't tell the GOP, for that they do not really care
But please don't tell the GOP, for that they do not really care.
But please don't tell the GOP, for that they do not really care!

Governor:
Although my policy positions seem to be expedient
I promise, Mr. Limbaugh, to the right I'll be obedient!
At least until the nomination, then I will "self-moderate"
I am the very model of a Presidential Candidate!

Media:
At least until the nomination, then he will "self-moderate"
He is the very model of a Presidential Candidate!

Governor:
I am the very model of a Presidential Candidate
I'm a friend of Wall Street, proud to pay the carried interest rate
I'm schooled in foreign policy, to many lands I'm proud to go
Bermuda and the Cayman Islands, Switzerland, and Monaco
My father was the boss man at an auto manufacturer
Instead I think Detroit it ought to be put out to pasture-ure.
I worked as a consultant, to improve corporate efficiencies....
(ponders briefly) Hmm, I know!
By firing all the workers and then closing all the factories!

Media:
By firing all the workers and then closing all the factories!
By firing all the workers and then closing all the factories!
By firing all the workers and then closing all the factories!

Governor:
Though being a corporate raider is the lowlight of my long career
Don't call me a "pirate", I would rather be called "privateer"
'Sides, envy at my wealth is rather rude and inconsiderate
I am the very model of a Presidential Candidate

Media:
(Envy at his wealth is rather rude and inconsiderate
He is the very model of a Presidential Candidate)

Governor:
I am the very model of a Presidential Candidate
I've studied all the scandals big, from Teapot Dome to Watergate
I've read the memoirs of great men, from Coolidge up to Double-U
I've got a team of focus groups, who guide me in just what to do!
I'm manicured and groomed and styled, in all ways quite presentable
But pollsters give me news that my election's quite preventable
Can someone please inform me what's the beef with the electorate?
Maybe more commercials cause the voters just don't know me yet?

Media:
Maybe more commercials 'cause the voter just don't know him yet
Maybe more commercials 'cause the voter just don't know him yet
Maybe more commercials 'cause the voter just don't know him yet

Governor:
Although I seem quite plastic and my speeches are a sedative
I still don't understand why my approval rating's negative
My super-PACs are loaded, and I'm ready to recalibrate
I am the very model of a Presidential Candidate
Media:
His super-PACs are loaded, and he's ready to recalibrate
He is the very model of a Presidential Candidate

OK, so this isn't the first G&S parody on this subject (see this, for instance).  But Mittens is such a perfect target.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Random Facebook thought for the day...

I've got a great idea for a cheesy sci-fi TV show.  In said show, a group of futuristic astro-archeologists, led by a Really Nerdy Guy played by William Peterson, zooms 'round the galaxy from dead planet to dead planet, trying to figure out what natural phenomenon or act of collective stupidity offed the sentient life-forms that used to live there. 

I'm not sure if Earth gets visited in the premiere, or the finale.


Bonus points if it involves apes and the Statue of Liberty
.

I invite suggestions for the name of this show in the comments.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

While we wait for the USA-England world cup match to begin...

A quick quiz:

Which of these urban transport vehicles is a cable car, and which is a tram?



(Images courtesy of Wikipedia)

Chances are, if you live in an English-speaking country which drives on the right--particularly the United States, you'll be familiar with the San Francisco Cable Cars, and identify the image on the left as such.  You may be less familiar with the Portland Aerial Tram--unless you live in Portland, it isn't exactly a well-known landmark--but the term "tram", to Yankee ears, refers to any number of miscellaneous (and relatively uncommon) people-movers, including the custom-built inter-terminal railways found at airports, the centipede-like parking lot shuttles found at Disneyland, and to cable-hauled aerial gondola systems like found between Marquam Hill and South Waterfront.  Likewise, Americans generally use the term cable car to refer to cable-hauled railways. 

If you live in merry ol' blighty, on the other hand, a "tram" is what in the US is called a "streetcar"--a passenger railway or railcar which runs in or near the street (or which is capable of doing so), regardless of haulage.  And given that cable-hauled railways are actually pretty rare; the term "cable car" generally refers to cable-hauled aerial systems in the UK (see the aforementioned article for a good breakdown of the terminology).  Thus--a Brit may well describe the Portland Aerial Tram as a "cable car", and the San Francisco Cable Cars as "trams".  And he'd be correct, insofar as his dialect of English is concerned...

Confused?  So am I. 

Now enough silly linguistic arguments.  It's almost time for soccer.  I mean football....

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Taming of the Snark

The blogosphere has been somewhat atwitter (and likely Twitter-ing) about the recent book written by New Yorker film critic David Denby entitled, simply, Snark. In said book, Denby complains at length about the negative impact that "snark", which he holds out to be a primarily Internet phenomenon, is having on our discourse. Needless to say, many online writers have ravaged the book (and in many cases, been downright snarky about doing it)--ranging from complaints about Denby's politics (mostly liberal), to his alleged Ivory Tower attitudes; at least one writer berated him for excessive name-dropping and boasting about his culinary choices. (Suffice it to say, Mr Denby doesn't likely eat at Denny's very often).

I seldom read Denby or the New Yorker. Not that I dislike either; they just doesn't rise above my cut line. As a left-coaster, the arts and culture scene in the Big Apple isn't terribly interesting to me (I fully realize that quite a few folks are of the opinion that anyone in the US with a brain ought to care about the New York cultural scene--regardless of where they in fact live--but that's their problem, not mine). Denby does appear, from many accounts, to be the epitome of a certain subcultural stereotype--the "limousine liberal"--which is frequently flogged in right-wing media (media which frequently go well beyond "snark", and are not the least but subtle in their full-frontal denunciations of that which they oppose).

Many critics of the book have suggested that Denby is merely the latest member of the professional commentariat (and/or their dedicated readership) to bemoan the rise of the "cult of the amateur". This line of argument holds that the amateurism enabled by the Web has resulted in a decline in the quality of the media, as professionals are displaced by amateurs. Others deride this as nonsense, as the whining of a formerly-privileged elite being knocked off their pedestals (and disconnected from their revenue streams). Certainly, in these days of "Web 2.0" (a term I rather dislike), the barriers to entry to commentary have been demolished. This is especially true for punditry and criticism--something which any of us can now do in our living rooms, without the benefit of an employer who has a printing press and a subscriber base. As far as film criticism goes, Rotten Tomatoes is probably far more relevant to most moviegoers than is Denby; although I suspect Denby wouldn't have it any other way. Regardless, that horse left the barn years ago; if this is what upsets Denby, he is howling at the weather at this time.

Despite all that, I do think that Denby has a valid point--there is an unhealthy level of meanness and contempt in our public discourse. The Web, and amateur writers and publishers, aren't entirely to blame, of course--talk radio and TV has been a virtual sewer of vitriol since before there was a World Wide Web. I must to confess to watching Morton Downey Jr. as a teenager back in the 1980s, and rather enjoying it. Of course, Mort was merely Donahue turned up to 11, and from a conservative rather than liberal point of view. Lots of snark and nastiness and such can be found in the elite media as well. To suggest that "snark" is a recent phenomenon is in error, as is to blame it on bloggers and the like. Nor is nastiness an attribute of a particular political faction--the likes of Noam Chomsky, Michael Moore, and the late Susan Sontag could all get just as down and dirty as Limbaugh or Malkin or Coulter.

All that aside, nastiness is there--and it is corrosive. Many writers (and readers) correlate nastiness with level of outrage. Unfortunately, it's far simpler to pen a withering ridicule of something or someone, than it is to write a sensible and fair-minded critique of it--and many commentators, professional and amateur alike, have found it a useful tactic to turn the dial up to 11 and leave it there. I've certainly been guilty of this in the past, and will probably succumb to this temptation in the future--it's just far too easy. Whereas with interpersonal conversation, the act of saying something to someone's face will often cause you to soften the edges, the interpersonal nature of writing (whether online, or for a dead tree publication) insulates a writer from his/her target.

Rather than questioning a politicians policies--their integrity and loyalty are instead called into question. If you believed all the political rhetoric out their; you'd be convinced that one of the major US political parties is composed of traitors and parasites; the other of sellouts and troglodytes. Even in the realm of film criticism--Denby's day job--it's far too easy for critics to hurl insults at the cast and crew, comments which go far beyond fair criticism of the performance or production. And when this is done, ad nauseum, then it raises the bar for the next truly withering review or analysis, which must dive deeper into the mud to "stand out" among the noise and have a chance at making its point. The effect of nastiness is further multiplied in the context of politics, where the targets and their supporters will have ample opportunity to return fire.

Denby is dead right when he complains that excessive meanness is damaging to our public conversation. However, he is dead wrong in his diagnosis of the cause. Amateurism isn't the cause of nastiness-- professional commentators frequently produce stuff which is just as mean. In some cases, the presence of an editor (or lawyer), or the delays inherent in going to print, will tone things down--but for many professionally-produced media, the editor actually helps sharpen the blade, and the commercial demands of for-profit media calls for more sensational content, not less. (US libel law is quite friendly to publishers and writers, especially when it comes to politicians). Even if we could somehow make the Internet go away--or at least once again raise the bar to entry--there would still be plenty of writers who are members of the club, who would be more than happy to continue slinging mud.

Ultimately, though, nastiness is so commonplace in the field of commentary because it's what readers, viewers, and listeners want. Democrats who get upset when Rush Limbaugh spends an entire hour hurling insults at Barack Obama, often cackle with glee when it's George Bush or Sarah Palin being splattered with rhetorical feces. Vice versa, ad infinitum. I'm actually pessimistic about finding a media-centric solution to the problem, as the sort of draconian techniques which would be needed to curtail inflammatory commentary on the producers side, simply aren't going to happen. (First Amendment and all that). Barring that, the people will be provided with what they desire.

Perhaps if we as a culture reach a stage where there is no demand for excessive nastiness--where the offerings of Malkin and Moore are widely viewed as refuse that only a kook or a nutjob would touch--then, I'd have hope. There are certain forms of discourse that appear to be out of bounds--but the topics they address are for the most part disjoint with mainstream American politics. President Obama seems to want to move the country in this direction--and his efforts so far seem genuine. Whether or not they will be successful is another matter--there is still lots of mud being flung across the aisle in both direction. But in the end, it is up to us.

If we, as a society, want the nastiness to end, then it is we who have to turn the page, change the channel, or click the back button whenever we see it. The media, professional and amateur alike, exists mainly to serve its customers--but they don't care what we "want" (in the abstract). They care what we are willing to buy.

Money (and page hits) are what talks. And we are speaking loud and clear.